The myth of the Good Christian Man

What does it take to be regarded as a good Christian?

Everyone, I would guess, has their own ideas on the finer details of exactly what makes a person a good Christian, but it does seem that in many churches there is agreement on the broad strokes of what such a creature would look like.

Erin has written a few posts recently (see here and here for starters) about the expectations which are often placed on women in the church. In many church communities they’re expected to be submissive, subservient, modestly-dressed, Stepford wives, to a greater or lesser extent. I’m not going to go into detail here - I’ll leave the analysis to Erin, who as a woman is more qualified to comment than I am.

I’m going to comment instead on something on which I am qualified to address, namely the way in which the expectations that are placed on men in the church can be just as oppressive, albeit in different ways.

First, what are the expectations the church has of its men? I’m sure most churched men will recognise some of the following. A "Good Christian Man" is expected:

• To be married
• To be meek and mild-mannered
• To be submitted to those in leadership
• To avoid controversy
• To dress in the accepted manner

Let’s have a look at some of the items from the above list individually, shall we?

1. A Christian man is expected to be married.

Don’t believe me on this? Well, from my own experience I can tell you that I only seemed to exist for some people in the church once I was married. Before then, despite being in my early thirties, I was still treated like a boy by a significant number of people within the church. Then after I was married, suddenly I was treated as a mature man, as “Brother Barry”. Yet I was still exactly the same person the day after I got married as I was the day before I got married. I’ve seen the same thing happen to other Christian men of my acquaintance too. Those who are married tend to be treated with more respect than those of similar age who are single.

How would Jesus have fared in these conditions? He was probably unmarried, after all. Would he have been treated like a boy too?

2. A Christian man is expected to be meek and mild-mannered.

One of the greatest disservices the church has ever done to men was to create the fiction of “gentle Jesus, meek and mild”. He was anything but. He was uncompromising, worked hard, lived hard, got angry and even on one occasion attacked people with a whip in the Temple courts. That doesn't sound very meek and mild to me.

Why has the church effectively emasculated its men? Why are we constantly held up to an ideal that is somewhat effeminate and unmasculine? Is it any wonder that there are more women in the church than men? There is a reason that the wider public perception of Christian men, at least in this country, is that they are slightly effeminate, somewhat geeky, spineless wimps.

John Eldredge has come into some criticism over his use of scripture, but one thing he got right in his book Wild at Heart is that men need to be allowed to be men and not pressured to behave like women with testicles. We are not, of course, better than women, but we are different. That difference between the sexes should be recognised and respected.

Forgive my profanity, but I say "Bollocks!" to meek and mild-mannered. Let me be who I really am instead. If there are edges to my personality that need to be rounded, let God do it his way instead of trying to effeminise me.

Of course we should try to be like Jesus - but we should be like the real Jesus, not the romanticised, effeminate goody-two-shoes the Victorians created.

3. A Christian man is expected to be submitted to leaders and to avoid controversy.

Being submitted to leaders is fine as long as it's a healthy relationship. However, it should not mean unquestioning obedience to a controlling leader.

Sometimes, like it or not, controversy is unavoidable if one is willing to stand up for what is right. Without going into details, my own experience of church would have been much easier if I had let a certain controlling person have his way, but there came a point where I had to stand up and say enough was enough and it caused big waves in the church. I could easily have stayed submissive and let him have his way, but the price of that course of action would probably have been either my spiritual or mental health.

There's nothing wrong with voluntary submission to good, accountable leaders, but no Christian man should ever conform to expectations that he should be a doormat.

4. A Christian man should dress in the accepted manner.

In my own church experience, the accepted form of dress for a man was a suit and tie. Casual shirt and tie were acceptable, but to be really spiritual, brother, you needed to wear a suit. After all, you'd wear your best clothes if you were invited to Buckingham Palace to see the Queen, so you should do the same when you come into the presence of God.

Somehow the fact that we are in the presence of God every moment of every day seemed to be disregarded by the people who thought like this. (So was the fact that I'm a republican and have no respect for the British royalty.)

Whatever happened to "Man looks on the outward appearance, but God sees the heart"? I very much doubt that God is bothered by what I wear to church, as he sees me all the time whatever I'm wearing. Surely he's more concerned by the state of my heart than he is by what's on my back.

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The thing is, we are all individuals. As soon as the church or any other group takes the “one size fits all” approach to its members, there will always be those for whom that “one size” doesn’t fit, who will be made to feel very uncomfortable as they try hard to make themselves fit into its restrictive dimensions. “One size fits all” just doesn’t work. Those who don't fit in will in many cases end up either repressing their true selves or abandoning the whole system altogether.

My final thought on all this is simple. We should encourage people to be who they really are in God, not try to force them into conformity. The "Good Christian Man" is a myth, so let's not try to force believing men to become caricatures.